Dear Xanga,

Money has been troubling me lately. I always seem to have it but I always seem to owe it as well. I need to not spend so much money on things I don't really need. Drugs, Alcohol, Fines, fees, School debt, and Junk food. SCREW THAT! I can barely afford to live at home. Things need to change but I hate changing things. I'm getting lazy, unmotivated, and slightly depressed becuase I feel im not living life correctly. I get all anxious when I feel im not making progress. I officially stopped playing World of warcraft until further notice. I just can't bear myself to play. I love playing it sometimes, becuase Im a really nostalgic guy. I sit there and day dream about the good times i've had making friends and playing the game with friends on the internet. I can see myself joking, laughing, crying, swearing up a graveyard and just having fun. Now I can't sit down and play that game without feeling like im wasting my life. That's what life is turning into for me. A giant clock, and I'm fighting it with my laziness. I starre at the clock and dare it to move forward while it just stares right back at me like a slavedriver looming over his properties. That's right, I laugh in the face of time, in the face of reality, and especially in the face of my own existance. 

Recently i've been thinking of possible careers for me. Before I start listing off those thigs Ill just bring you up to date on my whole Schooling/prospects thing going on, I haven't updated in a long time and so Just to bring everything into context ill bring you (the reader) up to date on the subject.

I withdrew from Saint Ambrose University 1st semester last year to work fulltime at APAC(telemarketing). I worked at APAC for around 6 months until my soul was literally devoured, chewed on, and spit back out by those corporate rats. APAC is currently in the process of dying. It's been dying for a couple years now. When I left APAC it was pretty much losing control of it's bowels and shitting all over itself, but you know, shit happens.. :)

I've been working at panera bread for the past 4 to 5 months. I love it there, I made friends there who I hangout with frequently, the atmosphere is chill and the customers are actally nice! The problem is.. I make minimum wage here. This doesn't make me feel like im accomplishing much even though Im working 40+ hours a week. I only bring home aorund a $500-600 paycheck a week, and that can't cut it with all the bills I have. So I need to move on.

I have two years of college done(50 credits) with $20,000 in loans to pay off so far. There is no way im going back to ambrose to rack up another $20,000 in debt, However. I don't plan on wasting that $20,000 i've spent so far so I've decided to go back go college starting this next semester. I need to talk to the counselors at Scott community college and THen Western Illinois university to figure out the fastest way to get my business degree from Western. After College is over I have lots of choices, but some viable choices i've been thinking of are : work at a factory/ somewhere temporarily whle I go back to school to become a machanic, or I could Go to officer training school, where i'd get further education, and have most if not all of my educational loans erased. (getting rid of that $40,000 would be worth the travel, duty, and responsibility of being an officer in the armed forces.)
Or.... I could just get a random entry level position in the field that Im interested in.

I am going to start making a mini list of things I want to do before I die every xanga post I make.. here we go;

1. I want at least 20 piercings.
2. I want to own at least 3 business' and have at least one of them go public.
3. I want to have a full body of tattoo's
4. I want to own a motorcycle.
5. I want to travel to every country in the world at least once.
6. Learn to fly an airplane
7. Own an airplane.
8 Jump out of an airplane.
9. Go on a U.S tour in a band.
10. Put a record out on a larger label
11. Put at least two more out on indie labels.
12. Scubadive
13. Run a marathon.
14. Be credited with new theories/ discoveries in a scientific journal.
15. Finish this list.

ok, im done for today. Toodles?(he lost his marbles!)

New xanga entry. I like this becuase I have few people who read this, so i'll hide less information. I was discussing personalities and "fakeness" with a few people. Generally, I find it's the people who most people see as fake, as the most revealing people. The things they choose to lie about really show what kind of people they are, and what they value. It's not them being fake, it's them being who they really are. Putting up a mask isn't hiding who you are, it's being who you are. Does that make sense? I guess it's sort of similar to how criminal profilers find out about the personalities of killers when they examine how the killer tried to cover up the crime; what kind of protection did they use, what evidence did they choose to focus on romoving? where they sucessful, did they leave any red herrings, and what kind of misleading evidence did they leave?  I'm sort of dabbling in phsychology nowadays. I don't actually study per say, I couldn't tell you a whole lot about anything, besides maybe Myers briggs Typeology.

Oh yeah...,  after a few years without an english course my spelling and writing skills are deteriorating quickly. Oh well.

I haven't talked to brittni since that show. Out of sight, out of mind I suppose. just a crush.   While writing this blog I was being distracted by my dog being a real pain, yelling for my attention. He steals things and gets me to chase him, becuase if I don't, he'll chew it up. So I have to play his game, otherwise my stuff gets ruined.  But then, as I was trying to teach him some tricks with cheese, I realized that he acts totally different once I have treats or food, he goes into begging mode, he doesn't steal things and run away while in begging mode. He sits my my chair and lets me type while I throw him a tiny bit off cheese every minute or so.  I like this.

Looking at the whole dog play being cured by exotic food- It might relate to the whole biology theory about basic survival necessity instincts? What is it, food, water, and shelter? Once you have all those you'll start looking for those other needs; Attention, play, social networking, recreation(some of these in the list shoudl be grouped together?) . But anyways, food takes precedence over recreation.

I don't know how long I want to keep these posts? maybe Ill post one tomorrow with some interesting things, I don't know wha those are and I think I sound sort of  Pretentious when I say that I'll have interesting things tomorrow. Who am I to say that you(whoever is reading this) will find these things interesting at all? I even am making assumptions that someone is actually going to read my xanga anyway. I mean, who am I?  Though, if I take that logic and attitude far enough I can basically ge to the point where I say  "I am so pretentious and smug for getting up in the morning, thinking that my life may matter? wtf , to who?"
        That may be a little extreme though.

So far i've kept my dog in check for about 15 minutes. Give or take 10 minutes?
       I was thinking about starting a videoblog on youtube, that sounded kind of fun. I'm not totally interested in the idea, but I have thought about it for a little while. One day I even looked in the mirror and talked like I was was doing a video blog; afterwards I gave myself a quick little phsycho-analysis just to make sure I wasn't, . . well.....
Phsycho?

This is a pretty long blog entry and I really haven't brought anyone up to date on what I'm all about, and what i've been doing since I stopped posting quite a while back(maybe even up to 6 months ago?).
The only thing that matters, after a quick conversation with an old love interest, and a few confessions from her, is that, well... she was everything I wanted in a girl, and still is. Just I don't know if I'll have a chance to ever really date her, or get to know her on a physical scale. (She's dating someone else, I believe that's been going on for about a year or two now, she also lives a few hundred miles away at college right now.  No worries though... No worries.   

I want to go to a shirnk(phsychiatrist), or a team of phsycho-analysts with doctorates in the field, who can give me a good analysis. I know a lot of you will probably tell me that I know who I am, and no doctor can tell me how I think. But I think  a good outside view of me would be nice. I want to know if they think that there's anything wrong with me. Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm a little obsessive sometimes, But I don't think so.(......... I caught that while I was writing it, but I wrote it anyway.  It works, I think of it as... Gut reaction vs. True Feelings?) . ahhh anyways.   Does anyone else have a running self commentary running in their minds during every event of the day. I'm constantly analysing everything I say, type, think, feel, every moment, minite, second. Having definite answers is a goal, but Discussing things is my favorite thing to do. I am a fan of socrates and his socratic method.(I don't know who starting using the term, the socratic method. Why am I sharing that I don't know this?not a clue). here's a question. Do all questions have to be answered with a question?  Is there an answer to that question?                                      Questions are a problem in themselves. Becuase firs, you have to take a stance on what kind of world you're living in. Are you empirical? Or are you maybe a relativist(sp?), or whatever else.
If you're empirical, you might run into a problem with answering questions, becuase you have to ask yourself, How do I know that this fact is even right? Descartes threw us a curveball back in the day with "Cogito ergo sum"(I think , therefore I am.) basically saying, that is the one truth we will ever know, besides Jesus,(becuase I don't want to offend us christians, What?).  basically what he was saying there is that we do not know that anything is really true, outside of knowing that our own mind exists.  I guess you can argue against that somehow, I don't know. I'm just saying though, that if you're an empiricist or rational(that's me), you don't know if your eggs are spoiling the batter, so you don't know how the cake is going to turn out.(Worst metaphor ever.) For all you know, you can be helen keller having a bad(or good?) dream.
     If you're a relativist or existentialist. I guess you're being subjective and don't believe in a real truth anyway, so you can answer a question any way you want. props to you.

later guys, gonna go snuggle with my dog in bed. he's such a bitch.

Hello friends. I think i'm finally cool enough(or finally uncool enough?) to use xanga again.

I've been having trouble with people lately, I talk to a lot of people but never commit to anyone long enough to make them a friend. I don't know what I'm looking for. or what I even want.  I've not been a good friend to anyone lately, and I'm feeling uncomfortable around girls again. I'm turning into my old self once again. I haven't felt like a dick lately though, I'm not that jaded and I like people. Just.. I never recieved the gift of gab, and so if someone talks to me ill talk to them, otherwise I feel like im trying to hard...... ? does anyone ever feel that way? I just feel unconfortable starting conversations with people because I always feel like.... why would they want to talk to me? I think i'm putting everyone on a pedastal or something.  I saw my favorite girl in the world today, britney. I met her at Apac(work) and so we're old work buddies. But I dunno, I stuck around after the show with her and we talked for about an hour. and then I drove her to mcdonalds and we talked some more, nothing too crazy though. I left when her mom came to pick her up; I never asked why she didn't have her car.. she's great, she's cool. I drool.

Luke Luke Luke! Look what we have! shouted amy as I pulled into the parking lot. Amy's sister ann was
holding up a cat in the middle of my front yard swinging it around and smiling. Amy  asked me if the
cat was ours and I said no. I went inside and did my normal thing. It started getting colder out and even
started to drizzle rain down on the now cold night. The cat was still out there under our bush, and would
try following people in when they'd walk into the house.  My dad was getting ticked off about the kitty situation
becuase he though someone we knew just dropped it off and left. he wasn't even thinking of bringing the cat into
the house becuase he knew we already had a cat who wouldn't like the kitty and a dog. He just doesn't like the
extra work required to take care of one more pet.
 
 I didn't realize it was a kitten until someone
told me and I heard it crying. I Went and got on my big coat and hoodie to go see  what it was doing. The
poor thing was standing shivering next to a pumpkin under one of my front bushes, I was heartbroken to
see a kitty all alone on such a dreadful night, so I went and sat in my driveway in the drizzle. THe kitty
walked up to me quickly meowing and started rubbing against me trying to get dry, I didn't mind so much
and so I started petting the wet cat while it settled in my lap. I curled over it trying to blanket it in my coat
while  blowing hot air on it. Instantly the kitty started purring and I felt really warm, just sitting there
making this small creature warm, the small defenseless kitty. After a whlie I became soaked in the rain.
I got up and put another handful of food next to the pumpkin, "the little girls gonna need this," I thought.
I went inside and started posting on the INTP forums again  but I was still thinking about the kitty sitting next
to the pumpkin in my front lawn that horrid night.

 Later on I realized I needed to go fill up my car with gas becuase I had to drive to school the next day.
I goaded my mom into lending me her debit card to fill my car up and went outside. The little thing was crying and
slowly walking through the bushes looking for a way inside the house. Its' eyes brightened up when it saw me and it
came running out to greet me. I looked at it sorrowfully but then I had an idea; I picked up the kitty and put it in
my car. "it's time for a car ride Gobo!" I had decided that it's name was Goblin and I shortened it to Gobo the moment
before. Instanty Gobo was out of the rain, and started walking and jumping around in my car the way a curious kitten
usually explores new places. I turned down the heat and took off towards the gas station. I figured that this would at
least give the kitten some warmth for the night while giving it a fun ride. By the time that I had reached the gas
station Gobo had satisfied his curiousity and had taken a place on my lap while purring loudly. I realized I was
becoming quite attached to the little girl as I set her down on the seat next to me. I filled up the car and headed
back home. When I pulled in the driveway I knew I couldn't take the kitten inside, so I sat out in the car with the radio
on for abotu 15 minutes. I turned off the radio and leaned back my seat, there was no reason to end this affair for a while.
Gobo and I slept in my car for about another half hour. As I was lieing there I was thinkign about how this is probably the
only rest she has had all day, the thought made me feel good about giving it my hospitality.

 My dad came outside around 10:30 on his way to work that night(he works the lateshift, so he doesn't get home until
8 in the morning) and he told me I shoudl get inside. I sighed and told the kitty we were going to part ways. Just then I
had a thought... "my dad's not going to be home all night and my mom is already asleep." I smiled as I walked into my house.
I brought Gobo in and put her in my room. It seemed like I couldn't be any more right in my life. The thought of this poor kitty
out in the rain all night shivering under my bushes was unbearable. I went to the kitchen and got some water in a dish and
cat food in a bowl and put then in my room up high so my dog couldn't get them. I left the kitty in there again and went and
made a little kitty litter box to put in my room. I coudln't have the cat roaming around the house that night, I wasn't even
supposed to have it to begin with! 

 My dog buddy was very curious in Gobo, and GObo was itnerested in buddy, in the terrified sort of way. She'd tense
up when the dog would enter the room, and she'd not relax at all. Buddy tried sniffing her a couple times and she'd attack with
her paws the only way a kitten could. she didn't know how to fight at all so buddy wasn't hurt.I felt so bad for it, knowing that
if it had ran into any predetors that night, it wouldn't have a chance.  When I had the kitten in the room on the otherhand,
it was so friendly to me. it would rub up against me purring, and then it wouldlie down on my bed curling int he sheets. It was
in heaven. Buddy and Gobo both got used to eachother after some greet time and so it was time for bed.

 While trying to fall asleep that night I kept on going over the possible ways Gobo could have ended up there, shivering
next to a pumpkin in my front yard. She didn't have a collar or  any identification, so it's quite possible that she was just
dumped in my neighborhood by someone with too many kittens. I was hoping that wasn't the case, the one thing I could wish for this
cat was to have a loving home and place to go back to. I was hoping that kitty would find it's place. I fell asleep worried.

 When I woke up the next morning it was around 7 oclock and my mom was up.I lyed there for a while and she finally came into
my room. She saw the cat sleeping next to me on the bed  and she turned on the lights saying "oh Luke..." She picked up the cat and
put her outside while i was lying there. I figured that I was going to put it out there anyway, so I lyed there some more. ABout half an
hour later my mom came in the house with Gobo and put her in my room; she said" Luke, you created a monster, this cat keeps on trying to
jump in my car , im afraid im going to run it over, so here, put it out later after I go. I agreed. I didn't have to go to class until 12:00
that day so I played with Gobo and Buddy all morning, tryign to get them to play nice. When 11:00 rolled around I was getting worried.
"What shoudl I do?" I kept sayign to myself, I could leave it in my room, and tell my aprents that I was keeping him, or I could put
Gobo outside and hope she finds her way home. After much debate I decided that I was going to put Gobo outside when I left at 11:30
and if she was still hanging around the house I would keep her and make her my own.

 I headed off to school, all I could think about was Gobo, "it's getting pretty windy out" I thought to myself. The temperatures were
definitely gettinga  lot cooler than last night. I was able to see my breathe, and the wind was unbearable walking across campus to my
other courses. Around 3:00 I had finished my last test of the day in Accounting and I headed towards me car. I had gotten a sick feeling
in my stomache thinking about Gobo. "Will she be there? WIll she just take off and go home? It she frozen solid in this wind?"  I raced home
as fast as I could. When I pulled into the driveway I didn't see a sign of her. Quickly getting out of my car I asked the neighbor kids if
they had seen the kitty hanging around like the day before. They said no and  offered to help me look. I checked around the outside of my
house several times looking for any signs of her. I was thinking "I'd be damned if I wasn't going to search for her and give her a chance."
I went inside and told my dad that I couldn't find the cat. he didn't mind much or know how attached I was to the thing so he was just sort
of like "Oh? really?"

 half an hour later I decided to go out and looking around just a little bit more, I put on a warmer coat and walked down my street looking for
any signs of my Kitten. looking back towards my hosue I saw an animal control vehicle pull up. My heart sank, I felt a dread I haven't felt since my
own grandmother had died years before. I walked back towards my house. when I got to my driveway I realized it was parked next door at my neighbors
house and I watched. I saw THe little neighbor boy Adam and his dad Joe walk out to the vehicle with my Gobo. I was paralyzed, "that's it... there she
goes.."  I wanted to reach out and grab my Gobo, take him back for my own. HOW DARE THEY CALL THE animal control to take MY GOBO! I stood there as the
truck drove off, trying to stare into the soul of the man who was driving the truck. I wanted him to feel the dread that I was feling just then.
The hopelessness. "My Kitty..."